I’m not in a happy place today. I haven’t been feeling great for the past couple of days. I feel pathetic admitting that to you, because there’s a voice inside that says, “My God, woman, enough already!! Ups and downs, ups and downs, do they all need to be catalogued? Don’t you get it that you will be cycling like this forever?”
Saturday night I felt disconnected. I think that’s a warning sign for me. Without any particular triggers (that I can remember), I felt like I wanted to unplug from life, like I wanted to crawl into my head and shut the rest of the world out. My husband may have sensed this even before I did – so kudos to him for that.
I’m learning that this desire to unplug is a source of some of my depression-related irritation with my kids. They prevent me from crawling into my head. Every time I start to disconnect, they talk to me or need something from me or require direction from me – and I’m pulled back, back where I don’t want to be. It’s not their fault, of course, so this is merely an observation, not a promise of immediate improvement.
Yesterday I slept in and barely roused myself out of bed to participate in the days’ activities. I could argue that it was much-needed sleep, since the arrival of Puppy in our house has definitely messed with our night time sleep. But it kind of felt like Depressed Sleep, and that worried me. The rest of the day wasn’t too bad, although my mood started to sink as evening wore on.
This afternoon after school was painful. The kids were a nightmare – picking at each other, picking at me. The dog needed to be watched so she wouldn’t chew on the chairs, or the baseboards, or the brick hearth (seriously?!?). I didn’t handle any of it well because I’m already geared up to overreact. My 10 year old daughter has asked if we can “reset” – which I love about her – but I’m having a really hard time resetting at the moment and that’s not what I want to be modelling for her.
When I try to think of what’s going on in my head, 90% of it is apologies. I’m sorry that this post sounds so miserable. I’m sorry that I’m reacting to the kids this way. I’m sorry that my husband will live his life always wondering if I’m going to show signs of slipping down into the hole. I’m sorry that I secretly ate half of the snickerdoodles I made (although they were delicious!). I’m sorry that the laundry isn’t done, and the kitchen is a mess, and I’ve neglected the piles of paperwork.
And to whom am I apologizing anyway?