Bracing myself – again

I’m not in a happy place today.  I haven’t been feeling great for the past couple of days.  I feel pathetic admitting that to you, because there’s a voice inside that says, “My God, woman, enough already!!  Ups and downs, ups and downs, do they all need to be catalogued?  Don’t you get it that you will be cycling like this forever?”

Saturday night I felt disconnected.  I think that’s a warning sign for me.  Without any particular triggers (that I can remember), I felt like I wanted to unplug from life, like I wanted to crawl into my head and shut the rest of the world out.  My husband may have sensed this even before I did – so kudos to him for that.

I’m learning that this desire to unplug is a source of some of my depression-related irritation with my kids.  They prevent me from crawling into my head.  Every time I start to disconnect, they talk to me or need something from me or require direction from me – and I’m pulled back, back where I don’t want to be.  It’s not their fault, of course, so this is merely an observation, not a promise of immediate improvement.

Yesterday I slept in and barely roused myself out of bed to participate in the days’ activities.  I could argue that it was much-needed sleep, since the arrival of Puppy in our house has definitely messed with our night time sleep.  But it kind of felt like Depressed Sleep, and that worried me.  The rest of the day wasn’t too bad, although my mood started to sink as evening wore on.

This afternoon after school was painful.  The kids were a nightmare – picking at each other, picking at me.  The dog needed to be watched so she wouldn’t chew on the chairs, or the baseboards, or the brick hearth (seriously?!?).  I didn’t handle any of it well because I’m already geared up to overreact.  My 10 year old daughter has asked if we can “reset” – which I love about her – but I’m having a really hard time resetting at the moment and that’s not what I want to be modelling for her.

When I try to think of what’s going on in my head, 90% of it is apologies.  I’m sorry that this post sounds so miserable.  I’m sorry that I’m reacting to the kids this way.  I’m sorry that my husband will live his life always wondering if I’m going to show signs of slipping down into the hole.  I’m sorry that I secretly ate half of the snickerdoodles I made (although they were delicious!).  I’m sorry that the laundry isn’t done, and the kitchen is a mess, and I’ve neglected the piles of paperwork.

And to whom am I apologizing anyway?

Grrrrrr…

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20 thoughts on “Bracing myself – again

      • I hear you. Some days, it’s more like a millisecond at a time. Hopelessness is part and parcel of depression. Only people who live with major depression can understand why we don’t “just snap out of it” or some such rubbish. My life was saved by Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Before I had the treatments I saw no point in continuing to live, as every moment was torture. Also, it was discovered that I had bipolar depression, notoriously hard to treat. Now with bipolar meds, a TMS tune up once every few years, a dog, and my son, I manage to bump along. Some days all I can think of is suicide, and I am angry at the things and people who keep me here, then I feel horribly guilty for that. My faith in God has all but disappeared, and turned mostly into anger. So I get it, in my own way….are you familiar with Depression Comix? I’m on my mobile and can’t do a link, but if you’re interested just Google it. Hugs….Laura

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        • I will definitely check out Depression Comix – you have me intrigued!

          I’m so glad that you were able to find a combination of things that works for you. And by “works”, I mean that they make your life more manageable, more enjoyable, and less painful. Not perfect, and not without pain and suffering, but far better than it sounds like it was. In the end I think we’re all hoping for something similar.

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        • Oh, the recurrent suicidal thoughts. I hate that I’m still having them despite meds and therapy. My shrink said they will likely be around now and then, but we both know I’m not going to act on them and they are fleeting. That one breath at a time thing is familiar too. I’m sorry and glad that I’m not alone.

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  1. You sound like you’re having a rubbish day. Sending you big cyber hugs across the Atlantic. I always find that realising I feel rubbish for no particular reason makes me feel worse. The rubbish feeling is there anyway and the logic of there being no particular reason doesn’t get rid of it, it just makes me get cross with myself for how I’m feeling which then adds into the mix of rubbish feelings swirling round in my head.

    Is it possible that after bracing yourself for all the stresses in your life recently, visiting family, doing things at your kids school etc, that this is the aftermath of all the coping you did? Just a thought.

    Also, please tell your inner voice of critisism from me that if you cannot post on an annonymous blog called One Depressed Mama about feeling depressed and the effect that having kids has on this then what is the point of the blog? Actually, maybe don’t tell her that, she might try and stop you blogging, just think about it yourself. Let us your readers worry about if we want to read it or not, we’re not exactly going to sue you under trade descriptions.

    Hope this proves to be a minor blip for you. Todays unsolited advice is go to bed at a sensible hour (unlike me, posting this at 1am having stayed up sewing I don’t practice what I preach) and try and lower your expectations for what you’re going to get done tomorrow as far as possible, plan on doing the bare minimum, with lots of rest/relaxation/distraction/gentle exercise (delete as appropriate) for you, and then if you manage a little more it’ll be a pleasant surprise rather than a glaring disappointment that you haven’t achieved Stepford Wife standards.

    Good luck!

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    • Seconding your right to complain/apologise/vent on this blog as MUCH as you want, and seconding that you be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can right now, and it sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job too!

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    • 🙂

      Thank you for the smiles and kind thoughts. You make an excellent point about the blog and the readers choosing to read or not. I have thought of deleting it entirely (in fact, I deleted my first post lo those many months ago!). But you’re right. If I can’t post anonymously here, then there’s something really wrong.

      You might be onto something with the idea that all of my recent coping has worn me out – and this is the resulting slump. My husband and I also have some big lifestyle decisions coming up (related to his career and life path), so I know there’s a lot of anxiety over that which hasn’t even surfaced.

      I like your unsolicited advice. At some point I may cut/paste that into my comments on your blog, ok? 🙂

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      • A sense of perspective, so much easier to have with others problems than with our own, eh. I think in a few months time, you me and SunnySpells will probably be able to comment entirely via cut and paste!

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  2. Ha! I love snickerdoodles. Yummy! You have a right to vent. That’s what your blog is for. And your family loves you no matter what so forgive yourself and move on. Tomorrow’s a new day. Hit the reset button and proceed. Sending you healing vibes.

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

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  3. There is never a need to apologize for things that can’t be controlled when you are trying your best, at least in my opinion. You are human and are acting like one. You know as good as anyone one else that depression likes to rear her ugly head at the worst times. That is not your fault. Hang in there. No two days are ever exactly alike, and eventually things will get better.

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    • Thank you. Often I think I should have superhuman abilities to manage my feelings. But you’re right – no two days are the same and today gave me a new opportunity to tackle things in a different way.

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  4. What everyone else said. Depression does all the things you talked about – it makes you want to crawl into bed, it makes you resent your kids for not letting you, then it makes you feel guilty for resenting your kids……………and on and on and on.
    Vent to your heart’s content. You have depression. You need to find ways to manage it. If blogging and documenting the ups and downs help, then go for it. We can decide whether or not to read it.
    For what it’s worth, every time you write something I can identify with, it makes me feel that little bit better (and I can identify with pretty much everything you write). So bonus, venting helps you, AND us x

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    • I’ll take the bonus! 🙂 Thank you for telling me that you can identify – as you well know, that does amazing things in one’s head.

      I think there’s a part of me that still views my writing here as “that silly blog thing” (with vague hand gestures off to the side). 🙂 But maybe what I’m realizing is that the act of writing itself does help – as long as I can keep my fear of judgment at bay. Not to mention the affirmation there is from those who read.

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  5. One of the rules for my yoga teacher training is no apologies. It is so HARD! It has made me realize that I apologize for everything, feel unnecessary guilty about so many things. I still apologize a lot. I mean, I’m Canadian, it’s one of our national characteristics! 😉 Step on me and I will apologize to you.
    But I get what you say about 90% of the things in your head being apologies and having no idea who you are apologizing to. Hopefully with practice we will get better at accepting our feelings for what they are and not always judging them.
    And please do keep describing the ups and downs. Seriously. I have had major depression for five years and it has only been since starting a blog in the fall and connecting to people like you that I’ve truly started to heal. Writing about your feelings is cathartic. Reading that other people feel as you do is reassuring and builds a sense of community. I, for one, love your blog.
    Hugs! xxx

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    • Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🙂

      I love that you told me about your yoga teaching rule and no apologies. I’ve thought of that so much even in the last few days. When I become aware of the apologies in my head, I’ve been trying to acknowledge them and let them go. It’s sooooo hard.

      I think it’s awesome that your blog has helped you to heal. What a wonderful gift we bloggers are to each other! 🙂

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