Struggling

Yep, I’m struggling.  In the past two days I’ve felt anxious, melancholy, overwhelmed, and down on myself.  The damn self-criticism is subtle but definitely there.  It gets me every time – I really need to get a better handle on it.

I miss my blog time.  I miss reading and commenting on your blogs, and I miss getting your perspectives on my struggles.  Maybe most of all, I miss having the dedicated time to sit down BY MYSELF, IN TOTAL QUIET and do all of my blog stuff.

The kids and I are heading out of town for about 12 days.  It’s great because I’ll have help with the kids and some time to myself, if I’m proactive about planning it.  It’s not-so-great because I’ll be with my parents, and we all know how that can trigger lots of feelings, thoughts, and memories.  It feels sort of like running an emotional marathon – I have to build up my stamina so that my time with them doesn’t undo months of working through my issues.

I feel whiny and pathetic at the moment so I’ll keep this short.  I hope to have more time to catch up next week.

As always, thanks for reading.  Seeing your little page views on my stats page is a bright spot in my day.  🙂

 

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10 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. *hugs* It is nice to hear from you and, I agree, difficult to find blogging time in the summer. I hope you have a great trip with the kids and that the grandparents can provide you with some relaxing “you” time. I understand the anxiety about trips home. Perhaps this a moment to really practice your mindfulness? Worry means you aren’t living in the moment and that you are stressing about things that may not even happen. One of my favourite sayings: Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Take care! xx

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  2. Good luck. Remember, you are no longer attached to your parents. Their behavior has no impact on you, unless you let it. Try to observe, not react to them during your time together. The reaction is what causes old hurts to replay themselves, adding to the story of your relationship with them. If you can, find time alone with yourself and with your kids. Establish that you are your kids parent…don’t let your parents try to worm their way in there, that can be very damaging. Other than that tall order, enjoy!

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

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    • I chuckled at your last sentence with “other than that tall order..” 🙂 I was struck by your statement that I’m not attached to my parents. I never really thought about it like that, and yet I think I assume that I still am attached. But you’re right that I can observe without reacting with the default as I’ve done for so long. Thanks for that insight!

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  3. Sigh….I know very well (too well, in fact) how parents can trigger those feelings that live in your bone marrow….I have feelings that got there before I learned how to talk (very early indeed!). Those preverbal experiences are damned hard to get rid of, because you had no way of processing them as a baby or toddler, or young child. I wish you well on your visit. I’m using a strategy right now to deal with my abusive mother: “oh, she’s just a messed-up old lady who wishes she was the Queen Mum with servants on every hand.” Gives me a bit of a chuckle, which of course pisses her off worse, but oh well. That said, I hope you find coping skills to get you through this, and come out of it with a minimum of biffs and brain bruises….Laura

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