Well, it’s official – I’m on the slippery slope. That’s the term I use for when I feel like my depression is starting to creep back in again. Not that it’s ever fully gone, but there are times when my footing seems reasonably solid, with some coping strategies in place. And then there are times when it feels like my Depression is mounting an attack – that’s the slippery slope.
I’m there now. I was feeling like I was getting worse, and then my therapist agreed last week – so of course that makes it official! 🙂
I still have the same situational stressors that I’ve had for months now, without a definite end in sight. But I’ve been slacking off on my coping strategies. Frankly, I was tired of my coping strategies. Do I really have to approach each day with a list of Things Necessary for Me to Function? Do I really have to schedule in 30 min of cardio, and time for deep breathing, and map out healthy food, and always get 9 hours of sleep?
Gah. The whole thing seems so tedious. So last week I decided I simply wasn’t going to think about it and my mantra was “Just keep moving.” I moved, and moved, and moved – because I didn’t want to stop and think. In reality I was trying to outrun my Depression. Which worked for a few days and was incredibly productive – but then I crashed and slept for 3 hours one afternoon. In the middle of the day. And I knew that it was Depression Sleep.
This week we’re on vacation at the beach, which makes it harder in many ways for me to take care of myself. I’m kind of tired of all of this thinking about me stuff. I just want to live each day, and be happy, and not spend so much rotten time thinking about how I’m going to live and be happy. It’s tiring and seems self-indulgent somehow.
But enough about me. As the reality of my slippery slope has settled in, and I thought about writing this post, I wondered what terms other people use to describe the feeling when their depression/anxiety/pick-a-mental-health-struggle is intensifying. One commenter called it “circling the drain”, which I thought was a great visual term. How about you? What metaphors do you use for your mental illnesses?
One Depressed Mama 
So sorry to hear this. 😦 It is amazing though, how even in the depths of your depression, you still seem to present such a positive outlook. Certainly hope things get better for you soon and you are able to grow some more. For me, it seems there are two sides of me. There is the “me” side and the depressed side. When the me part starts to slip away and the depression starts to take over, the mask must go on. Until “me” starts to resurface, the mask will stay on. When I am somewhat normal again, the mask can start to be removed one layer at a time. Not sure if that is really the answer you were looking for or not, but there it is. 🙂
LikeLike
I’m not sure about the positive outlook, but…I’m trying to work on it. I like your image of the mask – the real you is there all the time, just covered up by your depression. Thanks for sharing!
LikeLike
Gahhhhh. Rubbish. I stamp my feet at the unfairness of it all on your behalf. Having to have coping strategies all the time is tiring and annoying and Not Fair. Wish I could send you a parcel of crampons and things to help you out, or better still send in a helicopter to airlift you off the slope to a nice flat grassy meadow where you could have a picnic with your family.
I think I may be stood near the sea, with unpredictable tides, sometimes my feet are on dry land, where I can run around, and sometimes the water is swirling round my feet, I can move about, but I’m aware of it in the background all the time, sometimes it’s deeper and I struggle to walk about more, and sometimes a wave breaks over me and I feel like I’m going to be engulfed but it passes and I’m just back in deep water again, or maybe shallow water, or maybe the wave comes unexpectedly when I was on dry land and is gone as quickly as it came.
How’s your other half doing at the moment? Is he up to giving you some support or is he too busy coping himself? If doing something for yourself feels too much to ask for, how about doing something with each of your children in turn for an hour, going to a cafe with your eldest or taking your smallest to the park and just BEING with them, doing what they want, enjoying each others company, for a small snippet, whilst the other two are with your fella. OK, now I’m being annoying and giving unsolicited advice, feel free to ignore 😉
LikeLike
I would love a helicopter airlift! Thanks for the offer! 🙂
The image of the water and the waves resonates with me, especially at the moment when we are steps away from the ocean. It also reminds me that the waves will always come and go, and the depth of the water always changes, no matter what I’m doing.
Thanks for the suggestions with the kids. My husband is coping as well but understands and is all about trying to help me meet my needs the best we can. Yesterday was a good day with the kids so that has me feeling a bit better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
PS
I know Sunny Spells is a bit busy at the moment, if you don’t follow her on FB (I lurk anonymously) then you might not have seen this http://grow.ie/blog/sunny-spells-ahead/ – hope it proves true for you too, fingers crossed.
LikeLike
Thanks for the link. I’ve been behind on keeping up with her blog but after reading the article yesterday, I read her recent posts. Somehow it helps when you know that someone is in a better place!
LikeLike
Self care is tedious. Why should sleeping in or not getting dressed until 3pm* have the ability to impact our mood for days to come? Why shouldn’t I stay up until 2.30 reading Harry Potter fanfiction?* Why can’t I eat a spoonful of Nutella in a glass of milk for breakfast?*
Everyone experiencea little setbacks, but you know what to do to take care of yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up about it.
As for metaphors, I don’t really have any. I suppose when I start getting that don’t-want-to-leave-the-house feeling it’s an indicator my mood is dropping, but yeah, I don’t have a visual exactly. Other than the dementors are approaching and I need to conjure my swarm of bees Patronus!*
*This is a Harry Potter reference which I feel totally justified in using because Harry made the 6.00 news with JK Rowling’s new short piece from Pottermore, updating us on the trio. 😀
*This may or may not be a thing which actually happened.
LikeLike
I love the dementors image! 🙂 My oldest has read the books a million times and we’ve been working our way through the movies as she has gotten older. We just finished #4 the other day so these Harry Potter references are fresh in my mind. Love it!
Also, I never thought of Nutella paired with milk. I tend to use animal crackers… 🙂
You’re right that this is just a little setback. I was definitely beating myself up about it but I need to be kinder to myself. Thanks for that reminder.
LikeLike
I call it falling into the pit, or slogging through the muck. While I think I have more episodes of anxiety than I do of depression, just the thought of falling into the pit creates anxiety. In essence, I worry myself into depression. I hate the scheduling because I’m a very poor self-regulator. Probably because I don’t care enough about myself to care—something I have been working with my therapist on.
I hope you can find some moments of peace and a way to enjoy your vacation. I know how hard it is to try to remain present when that is the last thing you feel like doing.
LikeLike
The pit and the muck – what great words to describe depression, anxiety, or a combination of the two. I totally understand worrying yourself into depression – it’s an awful cycle, isn’t it?
I’ve been able to eke out some moments of joy this week, and that is always an accomplishment. So right now I’m grateful for that. 🙂
LikeLike