It’s such a simple, basic question: How are you?
It should have a simple, basic answer – but it doesn’t. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and before each session I start to think of my opening statement of How I Am – the answer to the question.
I don’t know how I am. Today I’m “not great” – which is hardly a scientific term, or psychologically precise, but it’s the short answer that lets my husband know that I’m struggling. I know that I’m not great, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m at the top of the damn slippery slope again, or it’s just an “off” day or two.
My symptoms today include:
- a 2 hour nap (lovely, but wow – the GUILT and SHAME that surfaced afterward)
- irritation with the kids – when they can tell I’m jumpy and short-tempered and they have to tread lightly
- Intentionally not answering a phone call from a mom looking for a play date for the kids (I assume that’s why she was calling – I still haven’t listened to the voicemail)
So… nothing earth-shattering, but enough to make me uneasy. I’m tired of all of the unknowns of my mental (ill) health. I suppose it’s too much to ask that things could seem relatively stable for more than a week or two at a time?
Or maybe I’m just a grumpy, difficult person who expects too much of herself and others. After the series of posts about my parents, and my important conversation with them, I feel like I should be posting about big insights, and instead it’s the same old stuff.
Yuck. Sorry to be such a curmudgeon today. Tomorrow … well, we’ll wait and see what tomorrow looks like.