Tired of not knowing how I am

It’s such a simple, basic question:  How are you?

It should have a simple, basic answer – but it doesn’t.  I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and before each session I start to think of my opening statement of How I Am – the answer to the question.

Groan.

I don’t know how I am.  Today I’m “not great” – which is hardly a scientific term, or psychologically precise, but it’s the short answer that lets my husband know that I’m struggling.  I know that I’m not great, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m at the top of the damn slippery slope again, or it’s just an “off” day or two.

My symptoms today include:

  • a 2 hour nap (lovely, but wow – the GUILT and SHAME that surfaced afterward)
  • irritation with the kids – when they can tell I’m jumpy and short-tempered and they have to tread lightly
  • Intentionally not answering a phone call from a mom looking for a play date for the kids (I assume that’s why she was calling – I still haven’t listened to the voicemail)

So… nothing earth-shattering, but enough to make me uneasy.  I’m tired of all of the unknowns of my mental (ill) health.  I suppose it’s too much to ask that things could seem relatively stable for more than a week or two at a time?

Or maybe I’m just a grumpy, difficult person who expects too much of herself and others. After the series of posts about my parents, and my important conversation with them, I feel like I should be posting about big insights, and instead it’s the same old stuff.

Yuck.  Sorry to be such a curmudgeon today.  Tomorrow … well, we’ll wait and see what tomorrow looks like.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Tired of not knowing how I am

  1. Big insights every day would be pretty draining for you I think. I’m sure your readers will manage with them only occasionally 😉

    Phone calls and answer phone messages, ugh, you have my sympathy. Could you get your other half to listen to it when he’s home and then tell you a summary?

    I’ve been struggling with the “how are you” question from people for ages. I tend to either tell them about the kids or say something like “busy, running around in circles, not doing much”. I can’t bring myself just to say “good” or whatever it is you’re supposed to say.

    I think “not great” is probably a good enough answer for your therapist. Hope the session goes well.

    Like

  2. It seems to be a common trend of highs and lows, at least for me. Totally can understand the tired feeling. It just becomes exhausting after some time. If only there were a way to put depression aside for a little while so we can recharge. Until then, here we are. 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s