I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my computer lately. Strange black screens of death when I wake it up. I’m able to press a function key and it will carry on…but it’s unbearably slow and I worry that it’s dying soon. I know I need to make a backup and a plan for what to do when it dies. In the meantime, though, I need to figure out how to clean it up so that things can run at a useable speed.
Which brings me to the Windows Task Manager. Many of you may be familiar with it, but if not, it’s a Microsoft program that allows you to see all of the applications, processes, and services that are currently running on your machine. In my case, I have only one application ope – my web browser – but I have 79 services running. These services are slowing down my computer and eating up precious CPU resources. In theory I will wade through all of these to determine which ones are necessary. In theory (again), deleting the unnecessary ones will speed up my computer and generally make me happier.
Well… let’s not get carried away… but it could make me a happier computer user.
I feel like my brain looks much like my Task Manager window these days. The good news is that I only have a couple of major applications open – kids home for the summer, husband branching out to a new career, family adjusting to life with Puppy, coping with Older Sister who launched into a verbal attack at me over the weekend.
Only a few applications – that’s good news. The bad news is that I have 79 services running in the background. And all of those 79 things – whatever they are – drag me down and hamper my ability to cope with everything else.
I probably know what some of those things are. Like not getting to bed early enough for a good night’s sleep. Or eating too much crap. Or failing to set aside time for myself to just BE. Or even berating myself for having to list these same things over and over and over again.
But there are some things that probably aren’t immediately obvious to me. Like maybe not having enough time with friends. Who would have guessed that, coming from a misanthrope like me?!? With the school year done, I have limited – VERY LIMITED! – time when I’m not with the kids, and that means no opportunities for lunches out. Maybe not having that interaction is bogging me down.
There’s even more simmering in the background that I can only peek at before looking away. It’s too much to process. There’s anxiety over changes in my husband’s schedule and how that will affect the family routine and dynamic (which, by the way, is working pretty well for us at the moment). There’s worry over my oldest daughter’s transition to middle school and friends who are more “worldly”. There are lingering twinges of pain/sadness/anger over my former friend. And countless other things that aren’t immediately pressing, and aren’t even in my conscious awareness most of the time, but they’re running in the background and consuming critical resources.
All of this is merely observation. It feels as if the perfect storm is building, and I’m doing that self-sabotage thing again, at least with the obvious stuff like sleep, eating, self-care. But I’m not taking the time to look at each issue, process it, and hopefully press the magical “END TASK” button. I’m not even sure whether that’s the right answer – which is how this gets stuck at the observation stage, rather than the action stage.
Of course I should be pleased that I’m not writing this from under the covers because I can’t get out of bed. And I’m not writing this while breathing fire and consuming everyone in my path with my anger and irritation. So this is good… but I’m kind of scared of what comes next. It feels a bit as if I’m hurtling through space and eventually I’m going to hit something – but I haven’t hit it yet so I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the BAM! that will knock me flat on my back.