Teetering

A while ago I wrote about my 7 tons of bricks – the weight of my depression.  How it feels like there’s always someone lurking – I call him Hugo – waiting to hand me my bricks.

Hugo crept up on me yesterday.  Last night I was feeling crummy – and I was scared.  Scared and disappointed.

A few times recently I actually had the nerve to think that I was breaking free.  You know that secret thought you have, that you can never verbalize, that says “Maybe I can shake this depression thing and never look back”?  The one that tries to ignore the fact that you have major depressive disorder, and that with your history of 3 or 6 or 10 serious episodes, you’ll never be fully free of it?  You can learn to manage it, and not live every day as if you’ve got your 7 tons of bricks, but it will always be with you.

So yeah, I allowed that little thought to creep into my conscious brain.  I was kind of proud of it – just a little.  But as they say, pride cometh before the fall…

I haven’t fallen yet.  I’m teetering a bit, and I feel like things could go either way.  This is understandable, I guess, since I have a LOT of stressors at the moment.  These include (in no particular order) :

– Still lots of unknowns surrounding my husband’s career change, and the Universe has so far declined to help us with that.

– Tons of end of school year events, and we know how school events affect me.

– The arrival of summer, which means 3 kiddos home full time, which means little time for me, which means a lot more effort required for self-care.

– A family event coming up, with my sister who was once mad at me for being pregnant at the time of her wedding (need I say more?).

– An event at which I will see a former friend who abandoned me a year ago and made me regret ever letting down my walls.

And these are just a few of the highlights!  🙂

I had been thinking recently that I wasn’t having to meditate, or think about the hot rocks in my belly, or talk myself through anxiety.  I figured this was a sign of mental health, right?  Except that somehow I was ignoring the things that I should be doing – and it just hadn’t caught up to me yet.  At least until last night.

So today I’m trying to be more aware.  Trying to tip the scales in my favor instead of the other direction.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Teetering

  1. One thing from my own experience occurred to me as I was reading your post, about the friend you’re going to see who let you down. Recently (within the last year), I reconnected with some similar friends and you know what, it was so freeing because the misery of their betrayal in my head was much worse than any residual feelings I had. Actually, our renewed contact ended the angst I felt about them. It’s gone. I don’t think of them much anymore, esp. about the pain I experienced in their presence. Maybe this is your opportunity to shed that angst too? And, if it is still bothersome, that is OK too. You’re not ready yet or the circumstances aren’t right. Whatever. When it happens though, and usually some type of contact with the person is required, you’ll feel better, freer. I wish that for you.

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

    Like

    • I appreciate your encouraging words and suggestions. I love the idea of shedding angst – I have enough of it! 🙂 I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to renew contact, as our relationship was really quite unhealthy for me. And I think our relationship has run its course. But…I know that I need to work on the forgiveness piece – not for her, but for me, so that I can let go. I want to be free of the weight of this, but I know it’s a process that takes time.

      Like

  2. Whew! Sounds like you do have some challenging life events coming up. Keep pushing on. You have encountered situations far more daunting than these, not making any less of these of course. You are stronger than you know, and you can do it!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s