A while ago I wrote about my 7 tons of bricks – the weight of my depression. How it feels like there’s always someone lurking – I call him Hugo – waiting to hand me my bricks.
Hugo crept up on me yesterday. Last night I was feeling crummy – and I was scared. Scared and disappointed.
A few times recently I actually had the nerve to think that I was breaking free. You know that secret thought you have, that you can never verbalize, that says “Maybe I can shake this depression thing and never look back”? The one that tries to ignore the fact that you have major depressive disorder, and that with your history of 3 or 6 or 10 serious episodes, you’ll never be fully free of it? You can learn to manage it, and not live every day as if you’ve got your 7 tons of bricks, but it will always be with you.
So yeah, I allowed that little thought to creep into my conscious brain. I was kind of proud of it – just a little. But as they say, pride cometh before the fall…
I haven’t fallen yet. I’m teetering a bit, and I feel like things could go either way. This is understandable, I guess, since I have a LOT of stressors at the moment. These include (in no particular order) :
– Still lots of unknowns surrounding my husband’s career change, and the Universe has so far declined to help us with that.
– Tons of end of school year events, and we know how school events affect me.
– The arrival of summer, which means 3 kiddos home full time, which means little time for me, which means a lot more effort required for self-care.
– A family event coming up, with my sister who was once mad at me for being pregnant at the time of her wedding (need I say more?).
– An event at which I will see a former friend who abandoned me a year ago and made me regret ever letting down my walls.
And these are just a few of the highlights! 🙂
I had been thinking recently that I wasn’t having to meditate, or think about the hot rocks in my belly, or talk myself through anxiety. I figured this was a sign of mental health, right? Except that somehow I was ignoring the things that I should be doing – and it just hadn’t caught up to me yet. At least until last night.
So today I’m trying to be more aware. Trying to tip the scales in my favor instead of the other direction.