Self-sabotage

Today all of my efforts seemed focused on self-sabotage.

I’ve been staying up way too late, and running low on sleep – and yet last night I stayed up past midnight, puttering.  It’s awfully hard for me to get the 8-9 hrs of sleep I need when I go to bed that late.

This morning I had a healthy Greek yogurt for breakfast, followed by 4 cookies later in the morning.  Ok, it was 6 cookies.  They were small bakery ones…but really, does it matter?  My skin is already showing signs of this kind of poor eating.

I haven’t worked out in several days.  I’ve started taking Puppy for walks but she’s not yet at full walking speed.  I head out with her feeling like I need a good walk, then get incredibly frustrated when I realize she can’t cruise along like I want her to.  So I end up annoyed with her, and annoyed with myself.

I’ve ignored my To Do list, in favor of spending too much time fiddling on the internet.  Why tackle the top 5 priorities on my list when I could instead research the best tips for making ciabatta bread?

Tonight I had a glass of wine with dinner.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had wine with an everyday dinner at home.  Before that, well… let’s just say that Red Wine and I had a rather passionate relationship.  A few months ago I decided that I didn’t need to be drinking so much – that it was crazy for me to expend so much energy on my mental health while indulging in a known depressant like alcohol.  But tonight…I’m not sure what that was all about.

So here I am, wrapping up my day and feeling rather crummy about it all.  But also recognizing that I chose all of these things, right down to the last little cookie.  Why am I intentionally choosing things that I know aren’t good for me?  Why am I sabotaging myself?

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25 thoughts on “Self-sabotage

  1. Agree with the above, but, if you can take the negative thinking out of it, those are excellent questions. Instead of asking, why am I sabotaging myself, maybe ask as said above, if there is something stressing you out that needs addressing. If nothing comes to mind, move on, giving yourself a break for being, dare I say it, human!

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    • Human? Bleggghhhh. 🙂

      Yes, it is a stressful time. So I guess it’s no surprise that these kinds of self-sabotaging behaviors took over when I wasn’t doing a good job of taking care of myself. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  2. Big hugs to you. Sounds like you’re feeling rubbish to start with if you’re doing comfort eating rather than sensbile eating and then you’re feeling even more rubbish cos you’re beating yourself up about it. Hope you manage to get out of this cycle soon.
    If it helps, a parenting book I once read said that a balanced diet needs to be balanced over a week. So if your toddler eats jus bread one meal, just cheese the next and an apple later in the day – that’s balanced, no need to fret. Now, I know you’re not a toddler and cookies aren’t on anyones healthy eating list, but if you look at all the other things you’ve eaten and done over a week, I bet you don’t look so bad. The puppy thing sounds frustrating too, but in the long haul I bet it gets you more excercise.
    In the mean time good luck with being compassionate with yourself and catching up on some sleep. (says the one who can’t talk. Yesterday I turned the laptop off so I would get to sleep at a sensible hour and then read an entire book, cover to cover, finished at about 3.30 am. Ouch. At least I’ve set the wifi to turn off at midnight so I have to make an effort to go online after that and the battery runs low after a while. No such reminders with a bedside light and a book).

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    • I’m laughing because I read that same thing about toddlers and thought that it must be wrong – but yet that’s really how it turned out to be when my kids were little. And you’re right, if the same idea applied to me, I’d be just fine.

      I like the idea of turning off the wifi at a certain time – maybe I should try that!

      Perhaps the word that strikes me the most in your comment is “compassionate”. I like to think that I have that in spades for others, but only a shred or two for myself. Need to work on that.

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    • Hi Toya – I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. It seems so strange to me…I’m aware that these things aren’t good for me, and yet I still do them. I’m trying to take others’ recommendations and start each day with a clean slate – but it’s tough!

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  3. Pingback: Sometimes a day is just a day | One Depressed Mama

  4. ooooh! This is one the questions I have been repeating over and over to my therapist. If I want something so badly, then why do I sabotage before I can reach my goal. Part of it was because I wanted everything to be right, right now. I had to pick the most important goal and take the most ridiculously tiny steps – but I have an ADD problem as well. I haven’t found the answer yet, but I try again every day.

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    • I understand what you mean about the tiny steps. That’s so frustrating to me because I want it all “fixed” right now too. Argh. But that’s not life, and certainly not my reality, so I need to wrap my mind around that. I think there’s some work I could do in therapy too to untangle some more of this stuff.

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  5. Sometimes self sabotage is easier, because it’s what we know, and in a bizarre way, it’s comforting. I *know* that two bars of galaxy and a pack of haribos (a BIG one) in one day is a bad, bad plan, but I can also convince myself that it’s self comapssion by giving myself what I want. Unfortunately I know I’ll turn it around later into something to beat myself about the head with…….It’s not easy!!

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