The things I want

Today was another rough day.  That feeling like I wanted to throw a tantrum?  Apparently I decided not to fight that instinct today.  I felt tired – no, not tired – I felt WEARY.  With every bone in my body, I felt weary of my depression and my ruminations and thoughts and feelings.

In the spirit of venting my tantrum here so I can get it out and not have it happen again (she says hopefully), here are some of the things I want and don’t want, in no particular order…

I don’t want to have to fight my depression for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to worry about meds.
I want to laugh and feel light and free.
I don’t want to have to think about how my depression affects my kids.
I want to find friends who are healthy and reasonable and with whom I can share my depression.
I don’t want to wake up every day wondering if it’s going to be a good day or a bad day.
I want to have parents who love me unconditionally.
I want to get to a point in therapy where I’ve uncovered the roots of all of my issues and there’s nothing more to discuss (ha!!).
I don’t want to have to ask my husband for help with things that I should be perfectly capable of handling on my own.
I want to write a blog that people read because of my sense of humor, and not because of my depression.
I don’t want to feel anxious with the other moms hanging around the playground.
I want to accept who I am, flaws and all.

I want to feel peace.

What do you want?

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12 thoughts on “The things I want

  1. I'd like to go a whole day without anyone in the house losing their temper! As a first step I'm working on my 6 year old leaving my 7 year old alone when he goes to the bathroom (despite a choice of facilities she keeps opening the door on him and/or walking in etc and then he gets really upset/frustrated/angry). If we get that cracked I'm moving on to improving family listening skills.

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      • PPS We may have cracked the toilet thing! Whilst researching aspergers stuff I came accross the concept of social stories. http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/02/how-to-write-social-stories.html. I see no reason this shouldn’t work with non autistic spectrum kids so I wrote a cartoon, in front of her, about her knocking on the door to see if the bathroom was free and waiting or using another one if it wasn’t. She loved it. i blutacket it to the bathroom door and she had to read through the whole thing outloud everytime she went (which her brother said was as bad as her barging in) but it worked. Now to work on all the other triggers in our house. (Hmm, I wonder if it works on grown ups?)

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  2. Oh yes, I am so with you on the exhaustion thing! As for what I want? The short list: To be free of anxiety and depression; to be able to give from a place of abundance, financially and personally; to own a home in the city I’m living in; to have made a difference in the world; for my dearly beloved husband to be free of his addictions; to have made peace with my past. Give me five seconds and I could think of more! But that’ll do for now 😉

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  3. Aisforanxiety – I love that you had success with the bathroom issue! I also find it hilarious that your son thought that the reading of the story was just as bad as the bathroom interruption. 🙂

    I checked out the site on the social stories and found it fascinating. I can see how that kind of thing would be useful for us with various issues here. Thanks for the reference!

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  4. Pingback: V is for Victim | One Depressed Mama

    • No need to be cross with yourself for your comment! What fun would it be if all comments were perfectly constructed, completely on topic, and all about me? 🙂 After all, the whole point is to get this stuff out of my head AND get others’ perspectives. So thank you for being willing to share.

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