My Grey Ghost of depression

Today is a Grey Ghost kind of day.  40 degrees and raining – the kind of rain that you know will last all day long, unrelenting.  On days like these, I’m drawn to my Grey Ghost “uniform” – sweatpants, sweatshirt, even slippers, and all heather grey, of course.

Several years ago, I spent weeks (okay, months) in Grey Ghost mode.  Day after day after day.  At the time, I was working from home, and had no kids, so there was no pressure to get dressed in anything respectable.  I also happened to be in the throes of my depression, although I didn’t realize it at the time.  It’s kind of hard to believe, actually – how could I not see that as depression?  Wearing the same, dull, grey clothes for days on end, rarely leaving the house, rarely putting in the effort to get truly dressed.  Needless to say, there was very little self-care happening in those days.  I figured that was just how I was.  After a while I upgraded to a fancier Grey Ghost with some “lounge pants” from the Gap.  Lounge pants, as we all know, are still just sweatpants, only without the telltale elastic at the bottom.  That was my style makeover???

The thing is that there was such comfort in the Grey Ghost.  It called to me every morning and I slipped it on like a second skin.  I embraced it.  And it held a certain kind of power over me.

I realize now that I was putting on a cloak of depression. Every. Single. Day. For months. Maybe even years.

The Grey Ghost still has some power.  It still calls to me, and on days like these, there’s a part of me that still longs to put on that cloak.  To slip on the Grey Ghost and crawl back into bed.  But I know better now.  I recognize it for what it is.  I know that I need to fight it, even if it requires more energy than I think I have.

So today I acknowledge the Grey Ghost, and I acknowledge how comforting it is, and I acknowledge how much I want to embrace it.  And then I get in the shower.  And really get dressed.  And maybe put on some makeup.  And keep on fighting. 


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