I’ve been feeling better lately. More consistently, more fully…Better.
I’m hesitant to say it out loud for fear that I’ll burst this little balloon of potential happiness and health. But I think, maybe, possibly, things are getting better.
Of course the million dollar question I ask myself is, “What have I been doing differently?” Unfortunately I can’t point to any one thing – but more a combination of things. I’ve been trying to take a more holistic approach to my mental health, trying to work on things that might be contributing to my depression. Yes, my biochemistry will still drive depression in my brain. I firmly believe that, and I will likely be on meds for a very long time. I don’t think I can change my fundamental biochemistry. But even with meds for the past three years, I have yet to experience a full 3 month stretch when I felt okay. Not on top of the world, not great…just okay. Even that has been out of my reach.
That’s why I’m so hesitant to say that maybe I’m feeling better…that feeling of “better” is so very fragile.
So what have I been doing? In a nutshell, I’ve been taking much better care of myself. I’ve been watching my eating – we generally eat pretty well, but I’ve been much more aware of my blood sugar and trying to do things to reduce some of the high/low cycles. I’ve pretty much stopped drinking wine (sigh – more on that another time). I’ve been exercising more consistently. I’ve been continuing the hard work in therapy. I’ve been sleeping better (exercise plus no wine = surprisingly solid sleep. Who knew?)
For the first time in years, I can actually envision what it might be like not to carry around the weight of depression, and the weight of that struggle, every single day. I feel lighter. It’s as if there’s this tiny happy, healthy me and I’m holding her, and nurturing her, and trying to give her a chance to grow and bloom. I’m feeling very protective of her at the moment. So don’t mess with me. 🙂